Cataplexy / Sleep Paralysis or "The Old Hag"- Mona's Story

By Mona Green

Can you remember the first time you were afraid?  My first memory of being afraid was when I was four years old.  We lived in a basement that offered little light and many shadows.  My mother was talented at making her own shadows come alive.  The shadow puppets that she made with her own hands were supposed to be amusing but my imagination took it to another level.  After the sun went down shadows were everywhere.  Often my imagination played a few stunts of its own.  That basement was where my fears were born.

Each night before I went to sleep my mother made sure I said my prayers.  Part of my prayer line was "if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."  Although I knew that God heard my prayers, I did not feel safe.  My mother told me that the Sand Man would put sand in my eyes if I did not go to sleep. For reinforcement she told me that the Bogey Man would get me too. To me, they were only a light switch away.  I felt like I was in a catch 22.  Where was God when the lights went out?  For the most part I always slept in fear.  At night my bedroom seemed to be no more than “the valley of the shadow of death.”

After I became older, I asked my mother to tell me why she told me those fables about the Sand Man and Bogey Man.  She explained that it was to get me to close my eyes when I would not go to sleep.  Unfortunately, her method of getting me to go to sleep did not always work.  The anticipation of the night creatures coming to get me was one of the things that kept me awake.  The television set was outside my bedroom.  My mother watched it every night before retiring to bed.  Meanwhile my little ears delighted in hearing those cheerful television commercials.  My only resentment about that television was the moving shadows that came from the light of the television screen.

I don't believe my mother realized how much her scare tactics affected me.  I did not know it then but I do believe that her only intent was to get me to close my eyes so that I would go to sleep.  As a mother I made it my business not to instill that kind of fear in my children. 
I learned at an early age that life can be very fragile.  My mother was very ill during her pregnancy.  My brother had life threatening nose bleeds.  Becoming motherless was my deepest fear.  I simply could not imagine living without her.  Agonizing thoughts of losing her navigated its way into a paralyzing sleep disorder also known as “cataplexy.”  My mother called it “the witch,” others may know it as the old hag.  Often, my mother experienced the same thing.  She said that her mother and sister also had many bouts with this sleep disorder that they also called “the witch.”  To shorten the episodes when they occurred, my mother told me to call on Jesus.   I did my best to call him but what called out in my mind was where was God when the lights went out? 

My first battle with sleep paralysis began in 1960 when I was eight years old.  At first I didn't know what was happening to me.  Shortly after I fell asleep I woke up and found myself not being able to move or speak.  It felt like someone was holding me down.  These episodes were frightening.  Sometimes it felt like I could not breathe.  I fought hard to move my body but the more I resisted the longer the attack persisted. There was no way of measuring time.  The spells seemed never ending and yet, when it was over, it felt as if it was just a bad dream.
The after math of each episode left me completely exhausted to the point that I didn't want to move.  Regardless as to how weary I was, it was imperative that I got out of bed.  The consequence of me not immediately getting out the bed often led to having another episode of this paralyzing attack.

I never felt comfortable talking about my sleep paralysis because it was frightening to my favorite cousin and my friends thought that I was making it up.  Keeping it inside with no one to share it with made me feel like I was cursed and there was nothing I could do about it.  As a child I stayed afraid of the shadows, the stories about the Sand Man and the Bogey Man never helped me to feel safe.  I also feared that my mother was not going to live through her illness.  All of these fears wove themselves into a medical condition known as “cataplexy.”  At the time I did not realize that these attacks were a form of panic.  Not being able to move in my sleep was scary. At first I thought it was the Sand Man or the Bogey Man holding me down.  When I confronted my mother about it she said it was called the witch. She also spoke with regrets of passing this condition to me.  Of course I had my own regrets.  This new revelation raised my fears to a new level.  I was practically afraid of my own shadow.  I truly believe that it was my fears that attracted the sleep paralysis.  Being afraid as a child was all I knew how to be. 

Leaving a township that practiced racial segregation in the classrooms may have been my parents dream but to me it soon became a living nightmare. Even though there was integration in my classroom of my new school, I was still mistreated by my teachers and peers. They looked down on me and my other "colored" classmates because of our skin color.  I felt less than equal to the other race.  My new school was culturally shocking to me. Academically they were more advanced but my inferior thoughts had me believing that my white classmates were naturally born smarter than the people of my race.  More inferior thoughts led me to believe that I was academically challenged.  I practically gave up on wanting to learn how to read.  I believe my elementary teachers wanted me to have a slave mentality.

My next door neighbor and I were the same color and in the same grade but she acted one way towards me at school and another way at home.  As a way to escape from rejection, I created an imaginary friend.  His name was Clayton.  In my mind he was a little shorter than me.  He was always a comfort to me.  Whenever I needed him he was always there.  Clayton stayed with me for an embarrassing length of time.  Clayton I could control, but “the witch” I could not. 
Sleep paralysis followed me well into my adult years.  I desperately needed to find a way to end this life long, paralyzing sleep disorder.  In October of 1997, I began a journey to put an end to this sleep paralysis.  My desire was to write about how it came about and how to avoid it but at the time I had no answers.  Finally after ten years I decided to complete what I had written.  After hearing about certain kinds of sleep disorders I educated myself on what was written about it.  Little by little the truth began to unfold.  When I asked, it was my medical physician who really put light on the rest of what I needed to know. 

In September of 2007, I shared my desire to complete a book that I had written.  Many of the events in the book led to having a cataplexy attack.  Although I no longer suffer with sleep paralysis/cataplexy I still felt led to finish my book. My vision for this book is to make others aware that they are not alone.  What may be considered a curse is a controllable, curable sleep disorder.  My hope is that my book will make parents aware of how fear related fables can affect their children lives emotionally and perhaps psychologically for many years to come.  Seriously, there is nothing funny about being afraid.  Often children will do silly things to prove that they are not afraid.  As a teenager I watched horror movies.  I laughed at them but when it was time to go to bed, what sweet dreams did I have to look forward to?

Who and what are our real teachers in life?  When we teach our children to fear things that don't exist, what are we really teaching them?  Fear if paralyzing.  For fifty years it paralyzed me in my sleep.  I believe my sleep paralysis was hereditary. My grandmother, mother and aunt suffered with it.   I don't remember them talking about their fears but I do remember them telling me about certain superstitions because it would bring bad luck like not to break a mirror because that would cause seven years of bad luck.  The list goes on. 

After experiencing one of my cataplexy/sleep paralysis attacks I cried out to the Lord.  I asked him: “Why were these attacks happening to me?”  For the most part, I could not understand how or why God would watch me suffer with not being able to move.  As a Christian I was ashamed because that kind of fear was not honorable to God.  I did fear God but I also feared the devil.   I felt that I was being attacked by the devil in my sleep.   I did not want to die in my sleep having a cataplexy/sleep paralysis experience.  I got tired of living in fear.  I overcame being afraid of the dark by pretending that the presence I felt was God’s angels.  That was easy because I had lots of practice with Clayton.  Even then my peace did not come over night. 

My hope is that my story will educate parents on how important it is to make their children feel safe.  Unhealthy fear can be mentally and emotionally damaging.  Early childhood fears can be the underlying cause of many other life-long, fearful short comings.  I believe it is important that every child should have a good night sleep and not a fearful one.

In my upcoming book I told about how many of my fears emotionally paralyzed me.   My vision for my book is to bring closure not only in my life about the things I use to fear  but also to bring closure for others who have suffered with this paralyzing sleep disorder.  I read that 57% African Americans experience this sleep disorder.  I believe that if we talk about it more, the bully will disappear.  Keeping it a secret gives it power and permission for it to stay.  If you are one of the many people who experience sleep paralysis/cataplexy remember, you are not alone.  Knowing the truth about it may set you free.  My advice is to learn as much as you can about it.  Talk to your medical physician.   Do not let this paralyzing sleep disorder drive you to the edge of a nervous breakdown.  It is not worth it.  Don't be ashamed.  Stop being afraid of what others will think.  The only thing you have to gain is a good night’s sleep.