Hair Loss - Deidre's Story

Deidre Whiteside

August is Hair Loss Awareness Month
(American Medical Association)

Living with Alopecia – Learning to Let Go

By Deidre Whiteside

Simply put Alopecia is the medical term for hair loss. Over 30 million women in the United States have experienced some form of Alopecia*. This is my story:

Today, I am a strong, confident, beautiful, bald black woman. I’ve always been a kind, loving and compassionate person, helping those in need. I’ve always been the one working behind the scenes helping anyone with a problem by providing support, understanding, and giving until it hurts. But no one saw my problem. My journey has not been easy. It’s been rough, but through it I found the peace I needed. I had to tap into my God given strength, deep within my soul. Today I share my struggle to help other women who might be in a similar situation and to let them know “you are not alone”. No matter what you are battling, you can have peace if you learn how to release.

My story … I never thought hair was anything more than something on top of your head. My mother seemed more concerned with it as she insisted on doing something with it everyday, but it never really meant much to me. My hair was thick and bushy and to have it combed caused me pain. --- I never thought it made me beautiful. I remember hating to get it pressed as a child, because my grandmother, who was a hairdresser, would get me in the kitchen, dare me to move and always burned my ear, neck or scalp because, of course, I moved. Washing, pressing and combing hair was necessary, but for me it never meant beauty. It was more of a pain than a necessity. Besides, after sitting all of that time, and experiencing all of the pain, I would eventually mess up my hair anyway. My hair did its own thing and I did mine. I remember thinking, why this fuss over hair? I adhered to my Dad’s philosophy. He stressed cleanliness, treating others the way you wanted to be treated and being honest. I agreed that these were the things that were important. Hair was not a major issue. But when my hair started coming out in my comb and thinning around the edges, --- suddenly it became a big issue for me.

At first I was in denial, I couldn’t be going bald. I was only in my twenties, much too young for baldness to be an issue, especially for a woman. The thought of going bald scared me.

My initial way of dealing with my hair loss was to disguise it. I used crayon-like hair color sticks. These products were like shoe polish. They were messy, oftentimes staining my clothing collars, which caused me even more discomfort and embarrassment. I used hair color sprays to fill in the thinning areas. I styled my hair to minimize the appearance of my hair loss. But, my hair kept coming out. My hairdresser then suggested a weave. She said, that I could have a few rows of weave strategically added between my own hair and dye my hair the color auburn brown to conceal the thinning hair. She chose the color auburn because it was closer to my skin tone. This would create a camouflage effect, so that no one would know where my hair was thin or thick. She encouraged me and told me that everybody’s hair gets a little thin, sometimes. Right! Little did I know that the glue and dye would further damage my scalp and hair follicles, making it more impossible for those struggling little hairs to grow. After about four years, I began to notice smooth patches; therefore more aggressive weaving became necessary. For the record my hair has never been described as “good hair”, “long hair”, or “nice hair”, it was “just hair”. And although it’s a proven fact that some people’s hair grows fast, with the weave, all of this “new hair” added to my own weak hair, did not help me or my situation. It was just another adjustment I would have to make. It meant going from “just hair” to a mane of beautiful healthy looking hair, sitting on top my head like a helmet.

Throughout this time, I was experiencing an extreme amount of stress in my life so I attributed the increased hair loss to the temporary high stress level. Next, braids became popular. Everybody was wearing them and they were a way to get my hair back to being natural and healthy. I let my relaxer grow out, gave my hair a rest and tried this latest fad. I first went to a friend of a friend for braids but I eventually started paying over $200 for micro braids. They had to use a net to attach braids to my scalp to cover those areas that did not have any hair. These styles visually and temporarily relieved my hair dilemmas, but eventually they caused --- more hair loss. I would often lose an entire braid from the root upon awakening or while styling my hair. The braids were extremely tight. The weight of all them continued to damage and weaken my struggling hair follicles and scalp. Each time I would select a new style I experienced more hair loss and eventually I became more and more obsessed with covering the bald areas. Every couple of weeks I would search for a new style or a creative way to hide my hair loss. I then tried sewn in weaves but they too caused hair loss and were uncomfortable. The hair weaves required a lot of maintenance and I could not keep them up. Wrapping the hair at night, sleeping in satin caps with satin pillowcases, bumping or curling the ends, trying to cover my missing hair, became a cycle of grief. My daughters wanted to kill me because I was not good at using the curling iron which meant that they would be awakened each morning to help me. This was much too much for me to deal with. I had to do something. The stress I felt over what to do with my hair and its loss was taking a toll on me mentally and physically. I eventually confided in my primary physician who referred me to a dermatologist. The dermatologist took a biopsy of my scalp and diagnosed my problem as Alopecia. After further diagnosis, I learned that my hair loss was attributed to heredity, stress, the delay in seeking medical treatment coupled with bad choices to hide the hair loss; these all contributed to the damage of my hair and scalp. The doctor gave me a 8 ½ x 11 photocopied, stapled booklet with information about Alopecia and advised me to avoid perms; hair coloring, braiding, weaving or anything that could cause further stress to my remaining hair. I looked at her like she was crazy. “What the hell am I supposed to do now?” She calmly replied, with her seemingly beautiful, healthy head of hair, “It’s only hair, go buy a wig.”

Now, I have my own issues regarding how wigs make me feel. I feel that wigs are used to disguise or hide something and the quality of some of them can make you look old and fake. When I put on a wig, I think I look like a hooker or bad drag queen. They make me feel like I’m hiding something, specifically, “my bald head”. But everybody said, “you look great”. However, I did not feel great. Then, a momentary miracle, I found a wonderful hairdresser who came to my home and custom designed a wig using a wig cap. I looked fabulous and was more comfortable. In addition, I did not have to endure any further damage to the hair that remained on my head. I wore a red bob made of human hair and nobody could tell me anything. This thrill lasted for about one year. My hairdresser moved to Atlanta and I was again faced with trying to deal with my hair loss. The thought of having to find another hairdresser and become comfortable enough to reveal my hair loss was too much. Going to a salon and getting your hair done can be quite humiliating when you bring in more purchased hair in a bag than the existing natural hair on your head. I humbled myself and started wearing wigs off the rack. I hated them, but everybody said, “you look fine”. I would change my style like I changed my shoes. But wearing a wig had its downside; I have had a number of embarrassing moments. My wigs have slipped off of my head; become crooked, and Lord knows if it ’ s windy, forget it. There is nothing like feeling with every gust that you may be losing your hair. Wigs have even scarred my head because I have worn them too tight. Wigs can also be uncomfortable and hot. They inhibit the air from touching your scalp, preventing the scalp from breathing. I became angry, depressed and ashamed of my hair loss. Having to hide behind a wig was getting the best of me.

Many people put a lot of emphasis on hair, equating it with beauty, sex appeal or in “Biblical terms” strength. But I was tired of hiding behind my wig. I truly felt it hid my true beauty. So I did something about it. I SHAVED MY HEAD. My family initially thought that it was crazy. I removed every bit of hair that was left on my head. I did not even mourn that dead hair as it hit the floor. Watching it topple down the sides of my face, off of my head, over my shoulders and land on the floor, I felt a sudden sense of relief. My hair was in various lengths from 12 and 8 inches to 2 inches long in places and it was dry and brittle. When I tossed it in the trash I felt liberated. A burden had been literally lifted off my shoulders and head. When I looked in the mirror I saw my face, eyes and ears, seemingly for the first time. I hardly recognized myself. It was like meeting an old acquaintance, after several years of estrangement. In my new found freedom I began to enjoy long hot showers, the cool sprinkles of raindrops and the breeze, as it would blow against my face, my neck and my head. I was even able to sleep better. I still wore my wig to work. But after work, once I hit the door, the wig literally hit the floor. Shaving my head made me happier and relieved the stress of having to deal with my hair loss. When my teenage daughter looked at me and said, “Ma, you look better without hair,” I knew I had made the best choice for me. My husband noticed the difference in my attitude and said I was beautiful with or without my hair.

I have wasted a lot of time and money trying to hold on to my hair, thinking I needed it. I don’t need hair. My advice to any person who is experiencing hair loss is not to ignore it. It will not stop thinning or falling out if you do nothing. Acknowledge that the hair is going and may not be coming back. Seek medical advice to learn the reason for the loss and what your options may be. Then talk about it with your friends and family, openly expressing how you feel. You are not alone. You do have options, as did I. The burden I carried of hiding my hair loss with a wig --- did not help me. It was a heavy load that I had to literally learn to let go!

My parting advice to you is not to let others define who you are and dictate how you should feel or look. But beware, you are not going to please everybody with your choices, and everybody will have an opinion or view of how they perceive you. I have had some disrespectful comments expressed about my decision not to wear a wig. I was completely taken aback and became depressed and withdrew. --- But then I realized that the problems people have about hair are not mine, and I do not have to share them. I refuse to allow anyone to take away my freedom. If they choose to create a problem for me or with me because of my hair or lack thereof, I have one suggestion to make to them - Choose your battles wisely and work on yourself.

This has been a very difficult struggle, one that has taught me important life lessons. I’ve decided that my personal choices are mine and no one has the right to deny me or change me, however they must respect me. I allowed my hair or lack of hair to distort my view of myself. Now, I don’t care if someone sees my bald spots or baldhead. Will people talk about me behind my back? Sure. People will always talk about something or someone. It never bothered me before, why should it now?

When you see me today what will you see? Well , you’ll see a strong, vibrant, baldheaded, black woman, with beautiful brown eyes, a warm sincere smile and a strong presence of self-love and confidence. You see I have determined that I have the inner strength to be the natural me - Baldheaded and Beautiful. I don’t wear a wig to work any more and I feel pretty good about it. Do I have bad days? Yes. Do I have bad hair days? Thank God, No! Will I return to wearing a wig? Maybe. A hat? Probably. A scarf? Sure! But guess what? It won’t be to hide my hair loss. It will be to coordinate my outfit or match my shoes. As for my hair loss… I have determined that it has not defined me or lessened my worth. The process of losing my hair has made me stronger … I’d say by losing my hair, I found myself.

*Women’s Hair Institute Statistic.