Mal Sharpe: Can we have your name please?

Man: Anthony J. Burtetta.

James P. Coyle: Anthony, a farmer has developed a mutant apple. The apple has a growth coming from under itself that looks very similar to a human foot. This growth gives it mobility and it can move over the land. Do you think it's right to tamper with nature in this manner?

Burtetta: It's not a Frankenstein thing?

Sharpe: Why? Why do you say Frankenstein?

Burtetta: Well, like that picture Frankenstein, you build a human body, and destructive, and, that's personally why I think we shouldn't fool with things like that.

Coyle: Why?

Burtetta: People would stop just to see it–I mean it would be something different! To see an apple walk.

Coyle: Well, would you eat it?

Burtetta: No, I don't think I would eat it.

Sharpe: Why?

Burtetta: ‘Cause you don't know what it is.

Sharpe: It's an apple, with a foot, right?

Burtetta: Well, you can say it's an apple but maybe in my mind I would think it's something else.

Sharpe: Why?

Burtetta: Well, that's funny. Very seldom do you see an apple with feet though.

Coyle: Don't you think you might cut the foot off and eat it?

Burtetta: Well, I mean if I was desperate enough and hungry enough you probably would eat the apple.

Coyle: After cutting the foot off.

Burtetta: After cutting the foot off. It would be just like the core.

Sharpe: Part of this project is the apples can grow here in this part of the state, but they can't ripen. They have to move to another part of the United States to actually ripen and to be put out on the market. Herds of them will be traveling across the country. Would you be interested, actually to go along on this trip, more or less herding the foot apples.

Coyle: As a shepherd to the apples.

Burtetta: No, I don't think I would. I just can't see herding a bunch of, I mean walking apples. I just can't see it.

Coyle: If you did agree to however, actually shepherd the apples, how would you keep them in line?

Burtetta: How would you keep them in line? Just like any, like sheep or any cattle. It would be the same procedure.

Sharpe: If they started, let's say, at one point they got out of hand, would you, if you were accompanying them on this trip, use a whip and snap it over their heads?

Burtetta: If you whipped an apple you probably would destroy them. So, I can't see hitting them on the head, you'd probably destroy the apple and then how would they be able to go back in line? So, I don't know, I guess you can pick them up and put them right back in line. That would be about the best, because they don't weigh too much.

Sharpe: If thousands of people in the path of this migration, people who had never seen these foot apples before, suddenly the apples appeared, walking into their hometown, and people fled by the thousands to get out of the path of this herd, would you be in favor of destroying the apples?

Burtetta: Oh, naturally, sure.

Coyle: Would you perhaps direct the herd toward the sea to destroy them, in other words would you start whipping them toward the sea so the little feet would–

Burtetta: Well, it would depend how far away the sea or the ocean might be.

Coyle: At the same time, if you led them to the ocean, to some cliff let's say: they'd just run off the cliff, right?

Burtetta: Would they? Would they, though? They might just hang there. I mean, it depends what kind of feet they have. If they have feet like birds, they could stay on the cliff, couldn't they?

Coyle: Do you think if they went in the water they'd try and swim?

Burtetta: They should be able to swim. I mean, you figure an apple can float. I don't see, with their feet, they'll be able to swim.

Sharpe: And is there any possibility then of one of these herds actually swimming to an island and then establishing a community.

Burtetta: Right there. Sure. And then they'll establish a community right there.

Sharpe: Who would?

Burtetta: The apples.

Coyle: Can we explain something to you?

Burtetta: What?

Coyle: This is–There are no apples with feet.

(All laugh)

Sharpe: (while laughing) This is a joke.

Burtetta: That would be pretty good though. I mean, apples with feet on.

"Cart Procurement" was transcribed by Mark Peters from Coyle and Sharpe's new CD: Audio Visionaries-Street Pranks and Put-ons. Coyle and Sharpe's interviews were done with real people on the streets of San Francisco as part of a daily radio show in the early sixties.

Pub. Dec. 2001

DRC