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It amazes me how having someone who stands next to you and shows sincere love toward you fills you with such a sense of security. Maybe it's just me. I feel like because I know deep inside of me that you love me I have found the strength within myself to look at things in a way I was never capable of before. I wrote a term paper about how Romeo and Juliet gave each other the security to find that strength in themselves and then because of that they were able to become such amazing lovers. It's 3am and I can't sleep. I was just lying here (listening to the Indigo Girls) thinking about stuff. I said good bye to Alex tonight and it feels good--is that twisted? I didn't call again and I didn't vocalize anything. Spiritually I said goodbye and I wasn't sad anymore. I hadn't done that for anyone before. The neatest thing was that I didn't think in words--it was just a rush of feelings and then an inner peace. I was hoping that he has this feeling of contentness--and praying that he's had someone like you in his life. I mean someone who makes him as happy and as strong and most of all as secure about himself as you have made me. I feel like I'm really expressing myself now--rereading this I feel like I have captured this moment perfectly. Thank You. I know that it doesn't need to be said but I want you to read the words and know that I took the time to write them down in black and white just so that you could see them. You have done so much for me just by inspiring me to look within myself. I want to reserect my Romeo and Juliet term paper so that you can relate to the references. Maybe I'll send you a copy. As for me (and Alex) I'm not going to look at it as if this is the end or as to what I want to remember. Whatever happens happens and I do want to know that I didn't give up on him. He's my friend and as I've told him before if he wants extra attention all he has to do is ask for it--enough of this cancer shit. If it was me I wouldn't want people walking around on eggshells as if everything had to be special. That was what that letter was about that I gave him that day. It hit everything head on and didn't hold back. That's what I would want and I know it's what he would want. That's why he loves me so much--I don't hold back and I don't pretend. He knows that I'm not saying one thing and thinking another like so many of the people who visit him do. Sam--I don't think that I would have been able to come to any of this w/o you and in the strangest way I feel so happy. I have this nervous excitement like I did the night I kissed you and like that night I have no doubts. It all feels so right as if this whole world was a puzzle and a big piece just fit magically into place. You know that feeling? Everything is going to be okay. Once again thank you for being my friend. Thank you for seeing something in me I never knew was there and drawing it out. I only hope that some day I can return the favor. Hey--how's the spelling? Hugs and kisses-- I'm taking a break from writing my soc term paper to write to you. It was good to talk to you today. I've been looking into abroad programs + I think that I want to go to Australia for a year + study there. They have some really neat anthropology + aboriginal studies. The University at Salzburg looks really neat. I was really hoping that people here would call you up + get you up here for my Screw Your Rommate date but I'll have fun. Kara + Cindy want to come up here + visit me either this weekend or next. You could talk to one of them + see about catching a ride but that might be a bit much. I'm having a really hard time w/ this soc paper--it keeps coming out either overly emotional or almost antiseptic if you know what I mean. I can't seem to get the right consistency of personal input but with the sociological perspective. I've been a real bitch lately. I'm really unfriendly to a lot of people. I don't know why. I regret it afterwards but it really feels good at the time. When I talked to you on Sunday I was so sick. I had a fever + a terrible headache. I wanted some support + love from you + didn't get it. It upset me but then I talked to myself + realized that that's not something to get upset about right now. People up here took care of me--my friend Darryl sat with me until I fell asleep + that was good. This feels so removed. I'm not really in the mood to write to you but I feel bad cuz I haven't. I read an article that you would like it's by Carolina Bird + she wrote "Where College Fails Us." It enlarges on your arguments about college. Parents weekend was funny--well I wasn't here for it but the preparation for it was just as I expected. People were cleaning + folding clothes + disposing of alcohol. I laughed. People are so silly. Ask Ann to give you The Bridges of Madison County. I loaned her that book + I want you to read it. "The Thing that makes an economic system like ours work is to maintain control over people + make them do jobs they hate. To do this, you fill their heads with biblical nonsense about fornification of every variety. Make sure they marry young, make sure they have a wife and children very early. Once a man has a wife and young children, he will do what you tell him to. He will obey you. And that is the aim of the entire masculine role. " Gore Vidal, 1980 Well, let's face it--I wouldn't exactly say that we have much of a relationship anymore. We don't really talk--we don't share much of our lives with the other person. I still love you more than anything and I don't want to be the one to say any words because I don't want to end anything. But I don't want to feel like talking to you is an effort either. I am going to go back to what I originally wanted + that was some exciting sex, some good laughs and lots of fun. The next time you're in a good mood give me a call. I don't know what you're problem is but your dead + I can't put any more energy into livening you up. The next time I'm in New Haven lets watch Aladin + order Chinese food out of the box. Let's go out to the movies--and you still have to get you license and drive me around. I want to trip with you again. I want to take X with you. Let's play frisbee in the park and get all hot + sweaty + then take a shower together. Let's explore one of the buildings in Yale and then get coffee and drink it on the grates. Let's get all dressed up and look fabulous and go to Yorkside or Sally's and eat. Lets go on road trips. Lets fall asleep in your living room under the table w/ the fire keeing us warm. Fuck--let's do anything but take our frustrations out on each other. The next time that we see each other we are going to have fun--even if that means doing nothing but discovering the F spot and having crazy sex. [Joke-Chuckle Chuckle-well not really]. I am not going to give up on this. It means too much to me. Okay? Call me or write me. May 2001 |