Hey honey--I got your 2 letters today. That thing about the deer is really depressing. I could go on and tell you all that went through my head while reading it but I'm sure it all went through your head too. Y esterday was Laura's Birthday. Cici, Laura + I went into Harvard Square to this good rest. We had an okay time. Laura was depressed for the entire day--she is having a really hard time. Anyway--I really wanted you to be there. People were everywhere--lots of musicians--I was dancing down on the street and really trying to be happy. I was sort of. But there was this one guy--right outside The Body Shop + CVS who was playing guitar + singing. His dog was stolen 2 weeks ago + he really misses her. He was amazing. I wanted to call you and just hold the phone out so that you could hear all the excitement. I'm still in that mind set where everything is unreal w/o you. Cheezy I know. Do you realize that tomorrow is 7 months and I still get so excited. I've been in awe of the fact that my feelings haven't settled into a routine. What I'm trying to say is that I love you--just 1 week. We are going to have an amazing time. Now--I've got to run errands. I NEED FOOD--Oh--I don't work next weekend. I'll talk to you soon. It's been a wonderful seven months. I hope that you love me enough to spend a lot more time (like the rest of your life) with me. Oh--by the way I did smoke last night--but only 1. Yeh yeh yeh that's why I'm writing (Just Kidding) well that's sort of why I'm writing. I just wanted to tell you that I'm really missing you and I tried calling you last night + this morning and there was no answer and all I wanted was to kiss you goodnight. How's the play going? I was wondering if you and Carrie were rehersing last night (just kidding?). We shuld hang soon. Keep on writing. Damn I miss you. But let's

next morning

Well-I don't really know what to say to you. My volleyball coach invited me to a party tonight--it sounds like it could be fun so I'm gonna check it out. I enclosed some stuff you might like to read. That game Zork won't work + it's really pissing me off. I have decided to not take the job on the 16th so I will be going straight up to Maine. My mom doesn't want me driving from Vt to Maine in one day--She insists I get a hotel room somewhere. I've been laughing at her.

Look--this next week I will be at work Mon-Thurs. from 8:15 -3:15 and at the Steins' from 3:20-4:00 and then at another job the rest of the night. By the time I get back to CT you'll be sleeping. Unless it's really urgent I'm not going to call you but if you need me you can get me then. I know I'm about as easy to track down as you are to reach but this should help a little

Oh NAAB (numb as a boot) is Elizabeth + my club--it's for folks who have as much feeling as a boot. I guess you sorta have to be here to understand (but it wouldn't work if you were here) so--just smile + nod. Take care of yourself Look I guess I'm just in a bad mood--I don't know--I realize now that I don't need you in my life like I thought. Now I just want you in my life + you're not and won't really be. Right now I wish I never went to that terrible play

(Almost)

Liz just dropped me off--the movie was great (So I Married An Axe Murder...) you would laugh lots-and I'm so anxious to get stuff down on paper I can't get it all straight in my head. I really need a computer. I write better w/one... anyway.

Depressing stuff-

I just don't even remember why I love you--if I still do for that matter--I remember loving you more than anything ever + am 99% sure that I still do, but what if? It really worries me to continuously remind myself that I am in love with you + I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I think that it's easy now because you are the reward for all my hard work but what's gonna happen if there's another prize or more importantly when I stop working--How will I feel when I'm at school + there are other people around? Am I holding onto this relationship just because it's nice to have someone to think about? I don't want to even think I'm doing that to you so here I am again telling myself that I love you. Those words seem so trivial now. When I talk to you--when I first hear your voice I know + when I read your letters I know but it's sort of hard to hold onto just those two things (besides I've almost memorized your 9 letters anyway). Well that's all for tonight-I need some sleep.

Alice just chatted with me about you and I and how great we are but how being open is important. She's older + wiser (in some ways) and she might be onto something so you can be open. As for me. Well, like previous weeks I think I will work hard, play hard, and count down the days until I can see you. I am just so in love with you that even if Don Juan or Done Piquote came by I would have to pass it up. I miss you so much already but I remember that first visiting weekend. Everything is going to work out and one day we will sit around the dinner table w/ our 2.5 kids and dog laughing over this--or just smiling at each other because we are great together. Let's not get into the rut that we were in for a few weeks this summer. If something is up call, write, visit, ask me to come down. I love you. I love us. I like how we are and who we are. Life is hard but there are lots of little good things that make it worthwhile. You're so much more together than I am and yet I made it through 7 1/2 weeks. I love you--don't forget that. And if you ever need me... I love you too damned much

Contents

May 2001